DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
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[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.