The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
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4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
You learn something every day
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
How high do the levels go?
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!