A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
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I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
bias laundering edition
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip