You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
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[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Self-cleaning conscience
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek