i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
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“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
May have had one breakfast too many
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student