I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
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If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Why font matters.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Squeak, squeak, squeak!