Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
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DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Is this the real life?
Is this just
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Breaking news:
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.