Do not steal food from the science building!
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Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*