i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
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Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience