Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
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5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
is this store having a stroke wtf
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.