Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
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IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
having children is a pyramid scheme.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
bugs when you lift up a rock
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it