“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
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[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.