Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
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Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”