Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
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what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Thoughts
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.