5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
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*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.