IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
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My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”