I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
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The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??