[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
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Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
finally found a reasonable question
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying