You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
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A fake ID that makes you younger
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
May have had one breakfast too many
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Are you ok, human???
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
For the baby who has everything
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
sugar glider wrangler
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”