Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
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Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Encore…
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
The French word for sex is croissant.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters