I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
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just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.