The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
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Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.