Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
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“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
A double negative is a big no-no.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”