Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
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This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
estão todos miauvindo?
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
They grow up so quick
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
stand with me against insufficient seating