Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
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You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.