I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
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morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
I feel like one of these would kill a European
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed