No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
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my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?