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Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
cyclists
I’m confused about plants
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.