Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
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If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.