I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
You Might Also Like
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too