[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
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Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Why does laundry happen to good people?
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?