Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
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why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
mmm onion ringos
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well