british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
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As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.