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Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
January has been Januweary
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.