Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
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The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Happy birthday to all the women
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”