[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
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Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale