If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
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[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Current mood: Potato
I’ve had relationships like this
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too