As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
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My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Did my cat write this
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!