If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
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Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.