Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
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i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?