To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
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I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 馃檨
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
When a couple I鈥檓 friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won鈥檛 ask to sleep on my couch.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don鈥檛 wake her up from a sound sleep because you can鈥檛 find the ketchup.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I鈥檝e ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 馃悤
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I鈥檒l be the first to go in next apocalypse
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 馃