Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
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My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Still my favorite headline of all time:
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.