I wish you’d just tell me what I did wrong instead of ordering me a burrito without cheese.
You Might Also Like
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
😜
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.