#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
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[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
BaD BoY!!
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.