At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
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[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Yes