He is just living hist best little life 😊
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If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming