Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 馃槀馃槀馃拃
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*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
馃幎we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she鈥檚 after both of us*
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
thank god the sign was there
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I鈥檓 about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how鈥檚 your day going?
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food