I am all good here, 😂😉
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I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
*checks Timeline*…
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.