I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
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where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
where the womens at?
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.