just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
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Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
where do you see yourself in five years?
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”